Share some scuba diving jokes

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

Where do scuba divers go to relax after work?

Dive bars.

Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?

Because all his grades are below C-level

Why are scuba enthusiasts so fond of chocolate?

Because they’re Godivas

Which dog knows how to swim underwater?

Scuba-doo

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level..

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him.

He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, “How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?” The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, “You asshole, I’m drowning.”

Literally Just 45 Of The Funniest Scuba Diving Jokes From 2020 8

Beach drone view tropical island, white beach with waves, couple lay down on the beach man and woman

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were out fishing one day when Thibodeaux started thinkin.

“Ay, Boudreaux, why come dem scuba divaahs alway fallin backwahds into da watah?” Boudreaux squinted at Thibodeaux and shook his head. “Cauz if dey fell fo-wad, Thibodeaux, dey’d still be in da boat.”

What do you call a restaurant at the bottom of the sea?

A Scuba Diner

Scuba divings a good hobby

If you wanna hit rock bottom.

Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk(I’m so sorry)

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.
I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear…

…but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers. The young shark says to his father, ” let’s go eat them”.

The father tells his son, ” this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them”The son asks, ” why do we swim around them three times first.”

The father retorts “Because humans taste alot better without the shit in them”

Why can’t Bill Clinton go scuba diving?

He won’t inhale.

(Original) A professor, a construction worker, a biologist, and a doctor walk into a bar.

A professor, a construction worker, a biologist, and a doctor walk into a bar.First the professor sighs. The bartender asks him what’s wrong. The professor says, “As you can see, I’m a professor of philosophy, and today I went in too deep.

I was in a lecture and was explaining a particularly deep philosophy. My student complained that I was going too far, but I kept going deeper and deeper. In the end, I went so deep that my student dropped the class!”The construction worker hears that and scoffs.

He turns to the professor and says, “You call that a problem? Let me tell you a real man’s problem. As you can see, I am an excavation expert. I was working today and was digging a particularly deep hole.

My contractor complained that I was going too far, but I kept going deeper and deeper. In the end, I went so deep that I broke a pipeline!”The biologist hears both of their stories and scoffs. He turns to the professor and the construction worker and says, “You call that a problem? My problem was a matter of life and death! As you can see, I am a marine biologist.

I was scuba diving today and was making a particularly deep dive. My assistant said that I was going too far, but I kept going deeper and deeper. In the end, I went so deep that I nearly drowned!”The doctor, who has been listening quietly this whole time, finally speaks up. “You call those problems? Let me tell you about one that is both a real man’s problem and a matter of life and death. As you can see, I’m a proctologist…”

Literally Just 45 Of The Funniest Scuba Diving Jokes From 2020 9

Howard and Dale walk into a bar

They sit down at the bar and see people scuba diving on the tv.”So here’s a question” says Howard “How come scuba divers sit on the side of the boat with their oxygen tanks facing outward, and fall backwards off the boat?”Dale thought for a minute and then said “Thats easy, if they fell forward they’d still be in the frigging boat!”

Did you hear about the diver who died after Netflix and chill with a whale?

In his defense, it ain’t called a blowhole for nothing

What is a diver’s pet peeve?

The bends. It really makes his blood boil

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan’s side. It even learned to dig for clams.One day, a man went to Juan’s house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door.’Sure,’ his wife said. ‘It will cost you $500.”That much?”But you’re getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town.”

I just want Juan. I’ll hire him alone for $350,’ the man countered.’Sorry,’ she shrugged. ‘You can’t have Juan without the otter.’

Why did a diver that took a picture of fishes got arrested?

He shot a school of fish.

What’s the difference between an astronaut and a deep sea diver?

The pressure.

What do u call 11 divers and a net?

A soccer team.

Q: How do you circumcise a sperm whale?

A: Send down four skin divers.

There’s a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another: “If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry”The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:”Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him”They take him to the police station, where they interrogate him: “Where are the jewels?”The drunk man, who is half asleep, does not answer.

The policeman asks again:”Where are the jewels?”But the drunk man does not answer. The police gets fed up, takes a bucket of water and puts the drunkard’s head inside. He takes him out and asks him again:.”where are the jewels?”The drunk man still does not answer.

He puts him underwater again, and when he takes him out, they ask him again:”Where are the fucking jewels?”And the drunk man replies:”Well, I do not see them here, why don’t you hire a diver?”

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship. “I already know what kind of ship to look for,” the diver told the chopper pilot. >”How could you possibly know what kind of ship it was?” replied the pilot.”It was a dictatorship.”

What happened to the divers journal?

It got waterlogged.

Why did the scuba diver drop out of graduate school?

Because he was always below a C

A scuba diver is bobbing around on the surface

waiting to be picked up by the support boat. The boat approaches and the diver swims towards the ladder. Suddenly, there’s a huge commotion, the diver is thrashed back and forth like a rag doll, the water looks like it’s boiling and then starts turning red as the rest of the diver group and crew on the boat watch in horror.

The diver reaches the ladder and starts screaming “Help, help, get me out, a shark just bit my leg off!” One of the crew reaches down and starts pulling the diver out of the water. “Which one?” he asks. “No idea, sharks all look the same when you’re wearing a dive mask.”

Literally Just 45 Of The Funniest Scuba Diving Jokes From 2020 10

With what did the scuba-diver use to cut seaweed?

A sea-saw

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are standing atop a diving platform.

When all of a sudden a genie appears.The genie looked at the three divers and said: “I shall grant each of you a wish. All you have to do is yell out a single word as you are falling towards the water and when you surface, your wish will be granted.”The Englishman was the first to jump. As he left the diving board he yelled out: “FERRARIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!”.

When he resurfaced and got out of the pool he could feel keys in his pocket. He pressed the keys and sure enough they unlocked the brand new Ferrari waiting in the car park.The Scotsman was next. As he dived he yelled: “MONEYYYYYYY!!!!!!”.

As soon as he left the pool he heard his phone chime. He unlocked his phone and saw a notification from his bank stating that 1 million pounds had been deposited into his account.Finally it was the Irishman’s turn. In his excitement he ran towards the end of the diving board, but accidentally slipped off the side and as he was falling he yelled out: “SHIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!”

Old swedish joke

There was a Norwegian submarine on lookout for enemy ships south of Norway. The Swedes thought it would be fun to mess with them.So a Swedish diver swims to the submarine and knocks on the hatch.

Naturally the Norwegian opens the hatch and boom the submarine sinks.The Norwegian submarine crew gets another submarine as replacement and does the same mission. So of course the Swede swims down to the sub and knocks on the hatch. To the Swedes suprise the same Norwegian opens the hatch so that the submarine sinks once again.

The Norwegian crew gets one more submarine so that they can keep going with the mission. The Swede couldn’t retain himself so he went down to the sub and knocks on the hatch one more time.The Norwegian opens the hatch and says:-Haha I’m not falling for that again!

 

One of my favourites by RJP: How many New Jersey scuba divers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: **** off.

What do you get when you combine a scuba diver with a janitor?

Jaques Coustodian!

Did you realize that BOYLES law is actually an acronym?

Spoiler
Breath Or Your Lungs Explode Stupid!

Q: Why don’t sharks attack women?

A: Because they’re man eaters!

Or attack attorneys?

Spoiler
Profesional Courtesy

What’s the difference between a scuba instructor and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

Why does the ocean roar?

Spoiler
you would too if you had crabs on your bottom

How do you know if someone’s a scuba instructor?

Don’t worry, they’ll TELL you.

Q: Who’s the most famous underwater detective?

A: Jacques Clouseau

Q: What type of plant are you likely to see when exiting a shore dive on a rough day?

A: Face plant

Many of them become instructors!

A friend of mine has been offering me free ScubaDiving lessons for years now and has told me we can start next week.

I’m not going to hold my breath.

How do get an octopus to laugh?

Ten tickles.

Q: Why don’t sharks eat clowns?

A: Because they taste funny!

Q: Who do Tech Divers listen to on their surface intervals?

A: Beyoncé

Literally Just 45 Of The Funniest Scuba Diving Jokes From 2020 11

Name that tune

Bill and Harry had been dive buddies since college. Almost every weekend, they went diving, summer and winter, dry suit or shorty. On one rare occasion, Bill invited Harry to his home for dinner.

(Bill was married, Harry was not.) During dinner, Harry noticed that every time Bill spoke to his wife he used very loving terms — Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so on.

It was when Bill’s wife was clearing away the dishes and carried them to the kitchen that Harry remarked, “That is really nice — after all these years that you’ve been married, you still keep calling your wife all those pet names.” Bill looked round quickly and whispered, “To tell you the truth, Harry, I forgot her name years ago.”

Why don’t skeletons tech dive?

A: They don’t have the guts.

 

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